Hello all,
I think most of you know that my dad passed away last Fall, but few of you know how life has been tough for me lately, especially in the last two months. It will be soon be seven months since my dad passed away and I've certainly gone through a wide range of emotions. I've looked through a lot of family photos, relived memorable events, gone through some of my dad's belongings, renewed an interest in my family ancestry, shared in other family members' mourning, and struggled to open up to people for various reasons. I've also had to fight for my inheritance, which causes this strange, helpless feeling. We don't like to share our helpless feelings.
Losing that sense of parental support and feeling somewhat helpless, you question how all the legal battles will work out. You wonder what it means that the most significant man in your life, your father, failed to make provision for you. You begin to face your own mortality and the significance or insignificance of your life; how you want to pass an inheritance to others and how best to prepare for that.
I never thought that my dad's death would be a refining fire in which areas of my life and relationships were tested, but it has been, and it still is. It's not just my dad's death, though. Honestly, as I was sharing with someone a few weeks ago, a person in my line of work often feels alone. In ministry, you need a thick skin to deal with a tremendous amount of rejection, and I've experienced much, much more than my fair share. Also, living in a transient community does not help one make life-long friends. The people you do interact with are usually only in your life once a week for a few short school years, and that, combined with a differing age / stage in life, contributes to a disconnect. As someone who pastors, the sense of disconnect and loss is profoundly intensified when someone you've loved/mentored walks away and maybe even chooses a life inconsistent with the values of Christ's life.
I can testify that a lasting true and deep friendship is a very rare thing. And no matter how willing you are to reach out, your hands are always tied by the other person, and that most often being the case because they simply don't have the life experience to understand the most important things in life: relationships. I've lived in State College since 1997 and still know some of the people I first met when I moved here. It's just strange to me how little interaction or how shallow of a friendship exists with a person you've known for so long. There are, of course, other factors which prevent deep and true friendships from forming.
But as someone who pastors while living in my current town, you just have to lay your heart out there, because it's who you are: you care truly and deeply, and most people can't relate to that. Most people are satisfied with superficial relationships. Maybe it's all they've ever known, or maybe just don't believe true, intimate, friendship is possible.
As someone who pastors, the ability to connect deeply is purely natural. So, one cannot truly be not given the title of "Pastor" -- it's how God created you. It's in your nature to sacrifice, to plead, to come along side of, to encourage, to protect, and to support. But when you are that person to those around you, most people will assume you're OK. In fact, some may even be impatient and expect you to get on with life when you go through a rough spot. Some don't know how to relate to you and the relationship begins to suffer. That leaves you feeling alone all the more. When you need to be protected, many times the ones you've helped to see themselves as protectors of others overlook the fact that you also have weaknesses; their patience wears thin.
Having preached the "Grace Message" for several years now, I remain convinced of its power to sustain us, for it is the Gospel. I must admit, though, combining the process of going through an emotional turmoil, looking for support, encouragement, and especially understanding and stability from friends provides much opportunity for feelings of condemnation to set in; they begin to equal, if not overshadow, the sadness, discouragement, and sense of loss you are already feeling. The condemnation of feeling needful of people when all the time you've been strong is intensified when you pastor people. It's a situation when you need to encourage yourself with grace as you've done countless times for others, but you also need those around you to step in and be family for you. That's why I've always held up the banner for Christian fellowship and community. It's just that now, I'm primarily in the receiving line. And that's ok...but I still feel the sting sometimes that perhaps one or two people are disappointed in me and feel an impatience within themselves toward me.
Sometimes, after you've opened up, a person might tell you that they're proud you had the courage to do that. It's nice to hear, but it will never be as encouraging as the trust that is built when they prove to you that the relationship will endure, especially when you just lost a very significant relationship. Someone telling you they admire your character and your vulnerability is needed and appreciated, don't get me wrong; but what you want to hear is "I'm sticking with you", or "Let's get together", or "I'm going to call you regularly", or even "I can't fully relate to what you're going through, but I'm here to listen." I can't blame someone who doesn't know what to say or do, believe me. But I do believe that if the life of Christ is in you, His Spirit will draw you to that person; your physical presence may very well be a needed reminder of Christ, Who can't be seen and sometimes can't be felt except through a brother or sister in Christ.
We are called to love one another. When we love one another, people who don't know Christ will be drawn to Him because they will never have experienced Christ's type of love. What a privilege it is to have the simplest form of evangelism known: Christ loving people through us. It can't get easier than that, but it's often the most overlooked and neglected source of joy in our lives. When you feel Christ's love acting through you toward someone, you begin to share that love for the person and you find yourself being loved by Christ at the same time.
Over the next few posts, I'm going to talk more about dealing with discouragement and loss; I hope you'll read and participate with me as I share my life with you. I'll be talking about feeling alone, friendship, family, fellowship and the importance of Christian community. In the meantime, below is a link to a sermon that lines out a few basic ideas on where we go spiritually for comfort.
Grace=Peace,
Jeremy
