Grace - Forgiveness Must Extend Potential Friendship

Let's look at the love of Christ:

"Who has believed our message? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?  For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of parched ground; He has no stately form or majesty that we should look upon Him, nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.  He was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.  Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.  But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; but the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him."  Isaiah 53:1-6 (NASB)

Interesting, that as Christians, we rejoice in Christ's total forgiveness of our sins, past, present, and future--and not only that, but also His complete payment for all guilt, shame, and condemnation, and yet...and yet, we hold grudges against each other, often for years, refusing not only to be reconciled to each other, but also refusing forgiveness that would lead to another chance to someone who has offended us (reconcile:  to conciliate anew; to call back into union and friendship the affections which have been alienated; to restore to friendship or favor after estrangement; as, to reconcile men or parties that have been at variance.  "Go your way; first be reconciled to your brother" - Matt. 5. ~ Webster's 1828 Dictionary).

No wonder the whole world thinks most of the church hypocrites.   We, as a whole, have held onto the sins of others and have missed the whole point of forgiveness:  not to say that we're righteousness in the whole matter, but rather to bring about reconciliation:  the restoration of friendship.  How arrogant of us to think we're in the right because we merely forgave someone.  How sad that we prefer to eat our own cake while starving others around us.  This is most certainly not the love Christ wants to live out through us.  True forgiveness extends the merciful offer of restored friendship.

The world tells us to protect ourselves, but the world doesn't look to Christ.  I agree that there needs to be wisdom and caution in dealing with someone who has hurt you, but the world would have us look after our own interests primarily.  Let's not forget that God offered forgiveness and reconciliation to the world in Christ before any of us repented.  We despised Him; we rejected Him; and we offended Him.  And yet, on His part, the potential for our friendship with Him exists.  It should be the same with us toward others.  To refuse reconciliation to someone who has repented is bad enough, but our heart toward such an offender should be that we have done everything to restore a person to friendship with us--even if he doesn't repent.  If Christ's type of love exists in our hearts, so also the potential for friendship must exist.  We cannot deny freedom to our captives while enjoying the freedom that God has given us.

I just wish we could experience a love such as this within ourselves--the God-type of love of a loving Father who desires all to be saved and brought into His family.  Forgiveness must extend potential friendship.

Grace=Peace,

Jeremy

Grace - Freedom from Addiction 7

"When we are not controlled by our negative desires and emotions, our basic desire for God is uncovered and set free.  With freedom of desire (the ability to choose some actions and refrain from others) comes the capacity to love, and love is the goal of the spiritual life."

The ultimate damage done to us and others as a result of giving into our "negative desires and emotions", often which grow into addiction, is in our ability to love.  This condition of which the author speaks manifests as a selfish desire to meet needs which can only be met by God Himself.  It causes the person to live a dual life.  When that alternate life of negative desires and emotions fulfilled through behaviors inconsistent with wholeness and wisdom plays out, friends and loved ones are wounded, often so much so that recovery takes years.  I know personally both sides of this issue.  I have hurt others and I have been hurt by those who have hidden their behaviors from me--living a secret life, usually in contrast to what I had thought was a healthy friendship.  Wounds of betrayal run deep.

The root of addiction is essentially an absence of fathering.  This root of pain manifests as selfishness and selfish behavior.  It causes the person to not only devalue others (seeing people only as objects to fulfill selfish desires such as sex, pride, or power), but the person also devalues him- or herself.  Using someone to meet one of these selfish needs is the worse thing one person can do to another.  In the case of "casual sex", we must face the truth that one does not have sex with a body--one has sex with a soul.  Sex is more than just physical.  It is for this reason that an abuse such as rape does such harm to a person.

The addict who indulges in their addiction lives so far below who they are and who they are (in Christ).  They have devalued themselves in the same way a king or queen devalues themselves by throwing off their royal robes and dressing as a peasant.  Only when the love of the Father is understood and embraced does the person realize who they are and that every need has already been met.  They become a whole person who, because they have fully received, can freely pour out.  Therefore, someone who exists in the love of the Father maintains a stable identity and truly has no needs.

On a personal note, I would ask those reading this to consider in their own lives where they have sought fulfillment of needs in any source other than God.  Most of Christianity views the relationship of person to Christ as one of duty.  Move past that and know His love.

I hope that you will also consider approaching those you've wounded because of your selfish desires as you come to understand what I've said.

Grace=Peace,

Jeremy


May, Gerald G. Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions. San Francisco, CA: HarperOne, 2005. Print.  p. 15.  The above quote may have been edited for clarity and understanding outside its context.

Grace - A License to Sin?

"A frequently asked question is, 'Will some believers take the message of grace as a license to sin?' I answer it this way: 'If their understanding of the gospel goes no farther than the forgiveness of sins – probably yes. But when you understand that Christ not only died for the forgiveness of your sins, but also rose again to come and live in you – absolutely not!'"

~ Bob George, Classic Christianity, Harvest House, 1989, p.175.

Grace - Freedom from Addiction 6

"Addiction exists wherever persons are internally compelled to give energy to things that are not their true desires.  To define it directly, addiction is a state of compulsion, obsession, or preoccupation that enslaves a person's will and desire.  Addiction sidetracks and eclipses the energy of our deepest, truest desire for love and goodness.  We succumb because the energy of our desire becomes attached, nailed, to specific behaviors, objects, or people.  Attachment, then, is the process that enslaves desire and creates the state of addiction." - Gerald May


Psalm 37:4 says:  "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

I've heard many interpretations of this verse.  They include the idea that we shouldn't be selfish by having great plans for our lives, but be willing to rejoice in dirt and poverty, or the idea that if we honor God first, then He'll honor us.  Let me suggest this idea to you:

No one wants second-best.  When offered the choice between a free BMW or a Kia, who in their right mind would choose the non-luxury car?  No one would!  We all want the absolute best we can possibly have in life.  Let's see how this applies to addiction:

Because we have been hurt and are looking for security and comfort, we come to belief in the safety that an addiction can offer us.  It doesn't usually require much effort and we begin to associate how good we feel when we engage that addiction.  It HAS to feel good, or we wouldn't do it again, would we?  We attach happiness to what the addiction gives us.  We sacrifice time for it; we sit in front of the computer gazing at images while forgetting real relationships; we want the ease of chemical-induced states of mind, instead of relating to a person or God.  We simply have less energy or motivation for people and other pursuits.  We've been robbed, and we don't even know it.

Sometimes it's easy to see how the addiction has ruined our lives, other times not so much.  But we do know this:  it's not easy to find the happiness in healthy pursuits and relationships when it's been so simple to just engage in the addiction and find that attachment of security in the addiction.  But we must walk away.  It has to stop.  It's draining life from us and that's killing us.

"Addiction sidetracks and eclipses the energy of our deepest, truest desire for love and goodness."  That means that we all want the best in life:  truth, love, and goodness.  But because we were sidetracked and our eyes taken off of Jesus and His love for us, we've been given something that is far less than best.  It's actually crap.  The hope is that we'll see that and the Holy Spirit will convince us of Father's love and Jesus' sacrifice and life for us.

I would encourage you to stand on the promises in the Bible.  If you don't read it, you'll not know what's yours!  Holy Spirit wants to remind you of those things, so you will have ground to stand on during the season you feel off-course as you seek happiness no longer from the addiction, but now in Him.

I pray that you will know that your failures have been forgiven, your hurts healed, and your future renewed--all in Jesus.  Don't settle for the second-best (or worse) that addiction is truly offering you; delight in the Lord--and for good reason, based on what He's done and who He is in you--and you'll get the desires of your heart.

Grace=Peace,

Jeremy

May, Gerald G. Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions. San Francisco, CA: HarperOne, 2005. Print.  p. 14.  The above quote may have been edited for clarity and understanding outside its context.

Grace - Freedom from Addiction 5

"Addiction uses up desire. It is like a psychic malignancy, sucking our life energy into specific obsessions and compulsions, leaving less and less energy available for other people and other pursuits. Addiction displaces and supplants God's love as the source and object of our deepest true desire." ~ Gerald May.

We give our lives away each day. Louie Giglio said it roughly this way: Dig up any culture and you will find objects of worship. The question is not whether we worship, but rather how worthy the objects we worship are--big or small. Either way, when we worship, we devote our lives to that object.

The sad reality of addictions is that they're like a black hole that saps us of our life and energy. Instead of enjoying fellowship and the blessing of friendship, often some addictions can cause us to isolate ourselves from those who could be loving us. Addictions rob us, when all the while they promise us happiness and security. It's a classic bait and switch.

Of course, this isolation is not unfamiliar to those who do battle addictions, which means those who are addicted are all too aware of their condition. As a solution, I would begin by suggesting these basic steps:

First, refuse to believe the offer of comfort and security the addiction offers you; it's a lie and you're being robbed of love, both from people and from God.

Second, be willing to go through the pain and suffering as the object of your addiction is removed. In other words, you've been dependent upon that object for happiness and it may well be difficult for you to find happiness in something that is actually healthy for you. It may take time to endure withdrawal, but the reward is everything you've really been wanting.

Next, find one or two trusted friends who can help you walk toward your goal (ok, they can help you make a goal to even begin with). Let them in and trust them when they help to remove the object of addiction from you.

Lastly, as much as you may feel compelled to do so, DO NOT confess your need for help indiscriminately or to everyone you meet. It can be very draining for people to hear your struggles, but more importantly, it actually causes you to focus on your problem (which is bad) AND take your eyes off Jesus as your life (also bad). Confide in those one or two close, trusted friends who will hopefully help you to see Jesus as the fulfillment of everything your addiction has promised you. In other words, the only true way to become free from addiction is to see Jesus as your life. There, I said it three times, and now a fourth: Jesus is your life.

Realize the truth and be set free in your mind from something Christ has already freed you in reality.

Grace=Peace,


Jeremy

May, Gerald G. Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions. San Francisco, CA: HarperOne, 2005. Print. p. 13. The above quote may have been edited for clarity and understanding outside its context.

Grace - Freedom from Addiction 4

One of the most powerful quotes I've gleaned from Gerald May's book is this:

"Addiction represents a doomed attempt to assert complete control over our lives."

This quote makes complete sense when May goes on to describe how his own addiction began:

"[In the reaction to my father's death and my disappointment with God], something hurt and angry in me, something deeper than my consciousness, chose to dispense with God.  I would take care of myself; I would go it alone.  My wanting--my love--had caused me to hurt, and something in me decided not to want so much.  I repressed my longing....  I was searching for something that I could use to develop a sense of mastery over my life, something that would help me go it alone."

I've been watching people a lot lately, and I've seen more clearly how addictions arise from the hurts they've experienced.  It's sad to say, but for nearly all men, the deepest wounds come from their father.  These wounds are inflicted by several things:  hurtful words our fathers speak to us; words they never say, such as an affirmation; or, if our fathers were never present, either physically or emotionally, the damage is also real.

Our fathers teach us about ourselves; they model how we should honor and respect the opposite sex; they instill identity, courage, and resolve.  Let's be honest:  without our father, we look to either our culture for our definition of acceptable behavior or we look to ourselves, being moved and motivated only by what benefits us.  We live selfish lives, hurting others as we try to fulfill a perceived need and hurting ourselves in an on-going manner.

But the saddest part in all of this is when we refuse to deal with our addictions and pain by addressing the root issue.  We would rather remain the same:  ever dependent on the addiction or habit or activity so we can avoid the original pain and the pain of having that addiction removed.  Addiction truly becomes a tool for us to maintain control over our lives as we attempt to find happiness.

I pray that you will have the courage to step away from the addiction in your life, to be willing to experience the suffering of no longer relying on that comfort, and to embrace a heavenly, loving, and perfect Father.

Grace=Peace,

Jeremy

May, Gerald G. Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions. San Francisco, CA: HarperOne, 2005. Print.  p. 5 and Cover.  The above quotes may have been edited for clarity and understanding outside their context.